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An open letter to the product manager of the feminine hygiene division of P&G May 3, 2007

Posted by daveintexas in terrorist hemorrhoids.
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Editor’s note:  I have no idea who wrote this.  It’s probably old.  Still, it’s funny to me that somewhere, some guy, it had to be a guy, came up with happy messages on the packaging.

Dear Mr. (redacted),

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I
appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard CoreT or
Dri-WeaveT absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa
dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in
tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary
Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how
crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe
and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

 

Have you ever had a menstrual period? Ever suffered from
“the curse”? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my “time of the month” is starting
right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently
surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll
be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly
with knife skills.” Isn’t the human body amazing?

As branch manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you’ve no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’
monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating,
puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings,
crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time
for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent
urge to shove her husband’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just
because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken
chimps.

Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is
just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants. Which brings me to
the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach
inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and
there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy
Period.”

Are you ##**#* kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really
think happiness-actual smiling, laughing happiness-is possible during a
menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable?
Well, did it? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there
will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack
yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so
you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a
sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God,
pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi
pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually
pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” or Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong”? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately,
there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my
maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your
Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending
bullsh*t. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,

(redacted)
Austin , TX

UPDATE: Always Wrapper Slogan Contest at IB! 

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Comments»

1. skinbad - May 3, 2007

I’ve woken up in the dark to the sounds of cramp induced whimpering and crying. I have all kinds of pity. If I remember to be smart, I watch for the cessation of wrappers in the bathroom trash instead of asking “Are ya done yet?”

2. carin - May 3, 2007

Is this an invitation to discuss girly-things? I’m gonna go find Lauraw…

3. daveintexas - May 3, 2007

I’m thinking contest carin. Check out IB

4. IB Weekend Contest! « Innocent Bystanders - May 3, 2007

[…] Read this. […]

5. eddiebear - May 3, 2007

Shit! Thankfully, my daughter is only 2. I have at least 10 more years before I have to worry. As for the wife, I have difficultydiscerning what is a visit from “Aunt Flo” and her normal behavior.

6. composmentis - May 4, 2007

lol eddiebear.

Have a happy [day].

7. daveintexas - May 4, 2007

I got news for you pal.

It could be 8 more years. Even 7.

Have a nice day.

8. Slublog - May 4, 2007

It could be 8 more years. Even 7.

Oh, good!

I’m looking forward to that.

9. eddiebear - May 4, 2007

Yikes!

That’s it. I’m just going to dig a hole and live in there for the next 20 years. But only if said hole has Directv and INTERNET Connection.

10. eddiebear - May 4, 2007

Oh, and BTW, that loony toon friend of my coworker just sent another triumph of the English language. Buckle your seatbelts.

11. kevlarchick - May 4, 2007

Dude. Where do you FIND this stuff?

12. Wickedpinto - May 4, 2007

I will respond as I usually do in situations that are related to this.

“I’m sorry, but I have to work late for the next 8 days. Sorry. no really sorry, I’m very sorry everything is my fault, I will be at work until next wednesday, I love you baby, you don’t look fat, and look at least 10 years younger than you actually are, and now I have to go to work, here, why don’t you look at this exorbidantly expensive catalogue while I collect overtime, because really sweety, I’m all about you. Oh I forgot, heres some chocolate ice cream” (then I run away.)

13. Wickedpinto - May 4, 2007

you have to be very careful of your fingers when handing over the chocolate icecream.

14. daveintexas - May 4, 2007

Dude. Where do you FIND this stuff?

It finds me.

That’s what it does.


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