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Other duties as required March 28, 2007

Posted by daveintexas in Current Events, stuff.

There are many tasks relegated to the husband and father of teenage daughters.  These are basic, simple for us to understand largely because they were our responsibilities as teenage boys growing up.  We were trained early in life that mowing and basic yard work was going to be up to us, as was taking out the trash.  We would be the ones who take care of vehicles and clean out the garage.


No big deal, I’m happy to do all those things and more.


There are however, unwritten responsibilities that may befall you if you, like me, happen to be married and have daughters.  You will have to respond according to the exigencies of the service, as they say in the military.  One of those will be procuring feminine hygiene products.


It’s simply unavoidable.  You’ll be out and about, or going to the store to handle grocery acquisition, and you’ll be called upon to pick up a box of this or a package of that. 


Now me, this sort of thing never bothered me.  It’s not at all embarrassing, simply because it doesn’t have anything to do with me personally.  Nobody thinks these things are for me, so it’s no big deal.  I’m just a husband/dad taking care of a family need.


However I have to admit, until recently I simply could not grasp the concept of getting precisely the product that I was asked to get.  The variety is overwhelming.  Multiple brands and styles.  Even if you wrote it down for me, if you misplaced one stinking word, I was lost.


Fellows know what I’m talking about.  You walk to the appropriate aisle, and there it is.  The Wall of Women Hygienic ProductsTM.  There are literally thousands of them.  Blue and white dominate the color scheme.


And fellows, you also know that for reasons known only to those of the fairer sex, one product alone does not meet the changing requirements of the moment.  No, you seem to require more than one type/style/brand/size/capacity/fragrance with or without wings/spoilers/aelerons/flaps/10 degrees of left rudder/landing gear/spoilers.  Why?  I don’t know why.  Hell, I don’t want to know why.


So how do I manage a 100% accuracy rating on requests?  Simple.  You cut the tag off the one you want, put it in my hand, pat me on the butt and send me on my way.  All I have to do is play “all of these things are not like this other”.  I’m golden.


I walk in and face The Wall, and there are 10 guys standing there.  They are all on their cell phones, asking questions, like I used to do before we came up with this brilliant approach.  They all look like morons too, repeating themselves and staring up and down, huffing and puffing and saying “I don’t see anything like that”.


Well, it’s there chumps.  You just can’t find it.  Me?  I find the brand, isolate the type, check packaging, and count dots!  Eureka!  Right here, exactly what I need, exactly what I was told to get.


Gentlemen, I am happy to provide you this advice as a public service.  You will impress your mate, and improve your looks.  Others will observe you and say to themselves “now THAT guy knows what the hell he is doing, by golly”.


Can’t go wrong.

Unless they’re really out.  Then go to Walgreen’s.


1. geoff - March 28, 2007

How do you handle the vertigo when you’re facing The Wall?

2. Retired Geezer - March 28, 2007

It’s a symbiotic relationship. The DinT wimmins know their way around the paraffin aisle too.

3. Tushar D - March 28, 2007

>>You cut the tag off the one you want, put it in my hand, pat me on the butt and send me on my way.

Patting him on the butt is no way to treat your dad. Have some respect, girls.

4. Dave in Texas - March 28, 2007

geoff, never look straight up. You’ll be on the floor before you know it. It’s bigger than this:


26,000 watts of tube-driven rock powah.

I just felt a strange disturbance.

in my pants

5. Lipstick - March 28, 2007

I can safely say that I have never enlisted a man to buy that stuff.

The trick is to have massive back-up — lots of extra boxes around. So many that when your man looks under the sink he yelps and recoils in horror.

6. skinbad - March 28, 2007

I usually get sent with the coupon for the new-improved whatsits and our one-horse, one-Walmart town doesn’t have this variation. About twenty other things will look almost like it, but not quite. Do I dare come home with the unused coupon? Do I dare buy the next closest looking box? Do I dare break the don’t ask, don’t tell policy near the wall o’ products? I’m a cell phone holdout so that’s not an option. I have three daughters. I’m going to buy stock in those companies.

7. Dave in Texas - March 28, 2007

It’s ok Lipstick. We really don’t mind.

I try to keep the stock levels high as a courtesy to the wimmins. And for some strange reason the cat thinks those pads are the best toys evah!

8. Dave in Texas - March 28, 2007

skinbad, get used to buying toilet paper by the case.

9. Nice Deb - March 28, 2007

My husband doesn’t like it when they have to do a “price check”. It’s actually happened to him. Otherwise he’s cool with it. And I don’t make it too hard for him. I just say go for the cheap generic brand.

And then I let him have it if he screws up.

10. skinbad - March 28, 2007

And then I let him have it if he screws up.

He can’t screw up for a week or so. That’s the hell of it.

11. compos mentis - March 29, 2007

I usually buy a tube of K-Y and a Backstreet Boys video to distract the clerk from the feminine hygiene products.

12. Stormy70 - March 29, 2007

I have been married almost 15 years and I have never asked my husband to pick these things up. I usually have to stare at the same wall to make sure I have the latest and greatest materials. I don’t trust him to be able to do this.

13. kevlarchick - March 29, 2007

I think Mr Kevlar has picked them up once or twice with a big order of regular groceries. I, like Lipstick, keep a large a varied stock on hand at all times.

When my son was little he got a hold of a few and used them as rocket launchers for his army men.

3 daughters Saint Skinny?! That’s wonderful.

14. Dave in Texas - March 29, 2007

3 daughters.

My dad had three daughters.

I’ve seen what this can do to a man.

*Dear Lord, the boy don’t know what’s about to happen to him. Please keep him safe, and strong, and teach him to keep his dang mouth shut. As you know, it’s the only way he can survive*.


15. skinbad - March 29, 2007

Thanks. They all love me now. When they’re all teens, I guess we’ll see.

16. Dave in Texas - March 29, 2007

Oh dude, they will love you then too, when they’re teens. Love you like you never imagined. More than little ones can, if you can imagine, they will love you with hearts of knowledge and awakening. It’s different from the childlike love, hard to explain.

But they will make you pay. Dearly. Every friggin day.

17. Bosk - March 30, 2007

I grew up in a family with all boys.
Got married, had 2 girls (only 1 left in the house now) and learned very quick to bring a sample.
For some reason at 44 I still get embarassed so I have to throw some groceries in the mix to make me feel comfortable.
O yeah and I always bring my cell JUST in case.
But I do it.

18. Dave in Texas - March 30, 2007

Good man.

Funny, we share the same situation with daughters.. one gone, one will be gone next year.

19. geoff - March 30, 2007

I find it a bit odd that every time I pull out a piece of luggage, or a laptop backpack, or a regular backpack, there’s always a pocket with feminine protection in it. I understand that in time of peace you prepare for war, but I think Just-In-Time stocking principles could be applied here. I mean, they’re in the glove compartments of all three of our cars, they’re in every bathroom, they’re in various drawers throughout the house – if they fit in my wallet they’d be in there, too.

I’m pretty sure that if we could consolidate all these little stashes, we’d never have to go to the store again.

20. Slublog - March 30, 2007

But they will make you pay. Dearly. Every friggin day.

Oh, shit.

Well, the love part sounds good.

Natalie’s already figured out how to completely control me. She’s learned the word “Da” and knows that anytime she says that, she can pretty much have anything she wants.

I am so screwed.

21. Barry - April 1, 2007

An inspired solution. This works for cereal too.

22. lizardbrain - April 1, 2007

Yea, verily. I, too take the old package with me; there is no other way to find the exact product among the infinitude of choices.

I grew up with 5 younger sisters. I watched each one of those sweet little girls become an unrecognizable, insane, alien creature upon puberty. They’re back to being sweet again, but they’re grandmother-age now.

I was glad I never had a daughter. But I have 3 granddaughters, and they all know that they’re in charge of me. A man who has daughters (or granddaughters) is, at the same time, the most fortunate and the most pitiable of men.

And the purchasing of feminine products is a small price to pay to have them in my life.

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