Metropamperin March 2, 2007Posted by daveintexas in uh.
I’m taking risks here. You guy goobers are going to pile on like nobody’s bidness.
I don’t care.
I feel good. Very good. I’ve decided my newest bestest mission in life is to convince you knuckleheads what the ladies already know.
Getting your hands and feet treated like this is good. Very good.
I will give you all the tactical, so you ain’t all fumbly like your humble correspondent, who took on the Lewis and Clark mantle, and checked dis shit out for you. You will go in like a pro.
Feet first. Big rolly bathtub thingy, full of soapy warm water. Jets spraying. Towels. If they are on their game you are sitting in a massage chair.
Choose Shiatsu. Just trust me.
There will be girly stuff all over the place. Man up and face it. Dim lights. Ivy. Candles and stuff. You can take it. You are a man and every girl there knows it.
Cause they are amazed at your manly manliness, that you can walk in there and say “I want a pedicure and I don’t care who knows it”.
You are going to get feel massaged, up to your kneecap. This does not suck. Lotions and oils. The little girl who rubbed my feet had teensy hands and I swear she could break a brick in her grip.
She will file your icky toenails. Down to smooth curves. She will take what we called a “rasp” in woodshop and grind away all your yucky calluses and bumps and stuff.
Shut up you bastards. This feels good.
She’ll finish it with another mind boggling massage, and a paraffin treatment. Dippin your tired sore feet in hot wax, three times.
That there is worth the price of poker.
Then the hands. I will freely admit, my problem is hangnails. Cause I don’t understand the cause and effect issue of cuticles.
It’s all about the cuticles boys. I have ignored my cuticles for 47 years.
Well no more. This is what you need to deal with cuticles.
When I saw this growing up, I thought it was a VC instrument of torture.
But no. When you soften and oil the fingers and toes, you can remove and push cuticles into submission.
Bend them to your will.
Guys. Guys. Put away your fears. You won’t become gay. Most of you.
I will do this once a month for as long as I can talk them into doing it.
It’s a good thing