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Metropamperin March 2, 2007

Posted by daveintexas in uh.

I’m taking risks here.  You guy goobers are going to pile on like nobody’s bidness.

I don’t care.

I feel good.  Very good.  I’ve decided my newest bestest mission in life is to convince you knuckleheads what the ladies already know.

Getting your hands and feet treated like this is good.  Very good.

I will give you all the tactical, so you ain’t all fumbly like your humble correspondent, who took on the Lewis and Clark mantle, and checked dis shit out for you.  You will go in like a pro. 

Feet first.  Big rolly bathtub thingy, full of soapy warm water.  Jets spraying.  Towels.  If they are on their game you are sitting in a massage chair.

Choose Shiatsu.  Just trust me.

There will be girly stuff all over the place.  Man up and face it.  Dim lights.  Ivy.  Candles and stuff.  You can take it.  You are a man and every girl there knows it. 

Cause they are amazed at your manly manliness, that you can walk in there and say “I want a pedicure and I don’t care who knows it”.

You are going to get feel massaged, up to your kneecap.  This does not suck.  Lotions and oils.  The little girl who rubbed my feet had teensy hands and I swear she could break a brick in her grip.

Very nice.

She will file your icky toenails.  Down to smooth curves.  She will take what we called a “rasp” in woodshop and grind away all your yucky calluses and bumps and stuff.

Shut up you bastards.  This feels good.

She’ll finish it with another mind boggling massage, and a paraffin treatment.  Dippin your tired sore feet in hot wax, three times.

That there is worth the price of poker.

Then the hands.  I will freely admit, my problem is hangnails.  Cause I don’t understand the cause and effect issue of cuticles.

It’s all about the cuticles boys.  I have ignored my cuticles for 47 years.

Well no more.  This is what you need to deal with cuticles.


When I saw this growing up, I thought it was a VC instrument of torture.

But no.  When you soften and oil the fingers and toes, you can remove and push cuticles into submission. 

Bend them to your will.

Guys.  Guys.  Put away your fears.  You won’t become gay.  Most of you.

I will do this once a month for as long as I can talk them into doing it. 

It’s a good thing



1. harrison - March 2, 2007

I guess we’ve lost you.
Good-bye, Dave.


2. Tushar D - March 2, 2007

when are you giving your “two Americas” speech?

3. Nice Deb - March 2, 2007

Dave, wow.
It’s like your competing with Rosetta, to be the blogosphere’s #1 male lesbian.

4. Elzbth - March 2, 2007

It’s a good thing
Damn right! I loe those! If I was in Texas, I’d be in the chair right next to you. Only a truly studly man, sure of his own studly manliness, enters the inner sanctum. Congratulations, Stud.

5. Dave in Texas - March 3, 2007

They did offer me a glass of chardonnay, but I just took a sip.

I had a six pack in a cooler in the truck.

6. S. Weasel - March 3, 2007

That lame six pack/truck reference isn’t going to salvage your manhood here, Dave. It’s all plucked eyebrows and Judy Garland from this point…

7. harrison - March 3, 2007


8. The Man Club - March 3, 2007

Card Please.


9. Feisty - March 3, 2007

The Man Club


10. Dave in Texas - March 3, 2007

Don’t encourage them. They are jealous.

11. valerie - March 3, 2007

Dave – were i there with you, i’da brought the beer and cracked a cold one open in the massage chair next to you.

talked the Husband into getting his first pedicure last month. and i KNOW he sat there thinking “everyone thinks i’m gay.” i told him no one even cares if you are, they’re all too busy having massage orgasams.

last week, he went for pedi #2. and fell asleep in the freakin’ chair.

that, my friends, is the power of the massage chair. with heat.

12. compos mentis - March 5, 2007

It’s like your competing with Rosetta, to be the blogosphere’s #1 male lesbian.

No. Because Rosetta wants to be with women.

Am I the only one who, when I read this crap, is picturing Dave in the beauty salon chair, getting his nails done, when I giant can of Milwaukee’s Best Light crushes his pampered ass?

13. lauraw - March 5, 2007

So. Fricken’. JEALOUS.

I’ll show YOU.

I’ma get a paraffin treatment on my HEAD.

My face will be so soft…

14. daveintexas - March 5, 2007

eh heh heh

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