Bubba and Earl’s Big Adventure January 2, 2007Posted by daveintexas in Current Events.
Note: The following is a fictional account based on this news story.
Bubba and his pal Earl from Buda Texas are flying a Cessna 152 through the cloudless sunny skies above Central Texas on a beautiful New Year’s Day, when they inadvertently wander into restricted airspace over Crawford Texas while President Bush is there over the holidays.
Bubba: “Shore is a purty day t-day, ain’t it Earl”?
Earl: “Beeyooteeful Bubba. Not a cloud anywheres to be seen”.
Bubba: “Hand me some o that fried chicken”.
Earl: “Yew wanta wing or a breast”?
Bubba: “Heh heh hehh hehhehheh…. well you know how I feel about breasts, but gimme a wing”.
Earl: “Hold my Lone Star”.
Bubba: “Roger that. Grab me nuther cold one from the cooler there”.
Earl: “You got it big guy. Say, looky down there at the TSTI runway… what’s all them planes doin down there”?
Bubba: “Beats me. They’s all the same color though, check it out. Even that big one over there”.
Transponder: “Attention pilot of the Cessna aircraft. You have entered restricted airspace I say again, you have entered restricted airspace. Change your course to a heading of 040 and await further instructions. I repeat, set you course to 040 – maintain present altitude” *off mic* “are they up yet Tom”? Tom “yeah, they scrambled from Dyess 4 minutes ago”. “Well tell em to use flares to get their attention, these bozos don’t sound too bright to me”.
Bubba: “Hey you whoever the hell you are, what the hell you mean tellin me to change mah course? This is Texas, you low down no good pot-likker. You cain’t tell me where I can go and whut I can do”.
Earl: “Tell im you know his sister an you seen her boobies”!
Bubba: “Shut up you moron he’s gonna know I ain’t seen his sister’s boobies, I don’t even know who the hell that pot-likker is”!
ATC: “Pilot of Cessna, change your course to 040”.
Bubba: “You lissen here, you dirty no good pot-likker, yew can all kis mah big white Texas ass – way up where it’s brown, you hear me? Kiss my ass”!
Instant sound of jet engine, close and loud, fading slowly.
Earl: “What the f*&k was THAT”?!
Bubba: “I don’t know, sounded like a Freightliner downshiftin on I-35 when they git to that Hillsboro split”.
Earl: “Oh yeah – gotta save the wear and tear on them truck brakes – they’s expensive”!
Another jet scream by, this time dropping flares.
Bubba: “HOLY SHIT Earl thassa US Air Force fighter jet. I think he’s tryin to get our attention”!
Earl: “Well what the hell he want with us anyway”?
Bubba: “I think he wants us to land, right down there. Somethin ain’t right – that feller is mad”.
Earl: “Suppose’n we don’t”?
Bubba: “Suppose’n I take this here joystick and cram it up your ass you stupid hick – they don’t send no fighter jets up to tell you to do something just for the hell of it boy. They’s serious”!
Earl: “Momma’s gonna be mad if I’m late again for supper – last night she hit me with one o her Elvis collectible china plates. She musta cried for an hour after that. She’s got seven left and I don’t need no more of em smacked over my head neither”.
More flares, F-16 pilots gesturing down frantically.
Bubba: “Earl, was there enny pilot warnins on that flight plan you filed”?
Earl: “Don’t member none”.
Bubba: “Enny restricted air space, you know like maybe if the gol-darn PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES is at the gol-darn RANCH”?
Earl: “uh. maybe”.
Bubba: “Wal you gol-darn stupid crazy idjit, that there is what we pilots call CRITICAL information, yew mo-ron”!
Earl: “Whatchoo gonna do Bubba”?
Bubba: “I’m gonna put this f*&cker on the deck that’s what I’m gonna do you dumb ass. You see them little things on the end o their wingtips? He cuts loose with one o those an it’s gonna ruin our whole day”.
Earl: “What are we gonna tell em”?
Bubba: “I’m gonna tell em the truth, that we didn’t know GWB was in town and we didn’t mean to wander over too close to the ranch. Then I’m gonna tell em you’re an idiot”.
Earl: “What if that don’t work”?
Bubba: “They’ll believe you’re an idiot. But we’re still in a heap o trouble”.
Earl: “What if they find the deer rifle Bubba”?
Bubba: “I’ll tell em it’s yores, you crazy-head. I told you you cain’t shoot no deer from an airplane”.
Earl: “I cain’t go back to prison Bubba, I just cain’t. You remember what that big feller Cletus done to me”.
Earl grabs the controls and points the nose over.
Bubba: “Let go a that stick ya crazy possum humper! This ain’t no time to be foolin around”.
Earl (screaming): “I ain’t goin back! I ain’t goin back”!
F-16 lead pilot: “I think they’re trying a suicide run sir”.
ATC: “Are you kidding me”?
F-16 lead pilot: “no sir, he’s going straight in. Am I clear to engage”?
F-16 “one away”! Fires missile.
Bubba (pulls the plane back level, slaps Earl in the mouth): “You idiot, you almost got us kill….”