Man receives US patent for “cord-less” jump rope

It helps the clumsy exercise.You still get the exercise, you just don’t run the risk of missing the rope.

It is also good for mental institutions and prisons where rope is a suicide risk, said Clancy, who works as a laundry coordinator in a state prison. And low ceiling fans aren't a hazard any more, he said.

Bonus! Supposedly these new high-tech handles simulate the feel of the rope swinging. I guess it’s nice to see the clumsy get their shot at jumping rope too, but really, do you need this to jump up and down and wave your arms to get cardio-vascular exercise? 

More “Exercise Equipment for the Clumsy” 

• Bumper Guard Rails for Treadmills – No more stepping off the side and falling down like an oaf.

• Weightless Barbells – Ok this one is actually for clumsy weak people.

• Super Shock Absorbing Swimmer’s Helmet – No more banging your head on the other side misjudging the flip.  With streamlining fins!

• Archery Set with rubber-cup fitted Arrows – wait, they already invented these.  No patent for me!

• New Balance “Racer’s Edge” running shoes equipped with curb feelers – never stumble over a curb in the dark again.

• Sure-Grip Ice Skates – extra wide 5” blade fitted with half-inch spikes for that super-firm grip.  Walk with confidence!

• “Let Go NOW”! bowling glove – in-glove sensor detects proper speed and elevation of the ball as you bring it around, and patented audio alert tells you when to release.  No more embarrassing “howitzer” drops!

• The Fungo Racket – Never miss a shot again with our patented oversize tennis racket with 90% more surface area!

There's gotta be a patent in there somewhere for me!