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Man receives US patent for “cord-less” jump rope May 31, 2006

Posted by daveintexas in Current Events.
6 comments

It helps the clumsy exercise.You still get the exercise, you just don’t run the risk of missing the rope.

It is also good for mental institutions and prisons where rope is a suicide risk, said Clancy, who works as a laundry coordinator in a state prison. And low ceiling fans aren't a hazard any more, he said.

Bonus! Supposedly these new high-tech handles simulate the feel of the rope swinging. I guess it’s nice to see the clumsy get their shot at jumping rope too, but really, do you need this to jump up and down and wave your arms to get cardio-vascular exercise? 

More “Exercise Equipment for the Clumsy” 

  • Bumper Guard Rails for Treadmills – No more stepping off the side and falling down like an oaf.

  • Weightless Barbells – Ok this one is actually for clumsy weak people.

  • Super Shock Absorbing Swimmer’s Helmet – No more banging your head on the other side misjudging the flip.  With streamlining fins!

  • Archery Set with rubber-cup fitted Arrows – wait, they already invented these.  No patent for me!

  • New Balance “Racer’s Edge” running shoes equipped with curb feelers – never stumble over a curb in the dark again.

  • Sure-Grip Ice Skates – extra wide 5” blade fitted with half-inch spikes for that super-firm grip.  Walk with confidence!

  • “Let Go NOW”! bowling glove – in-glove sensor detects proper speed and elevation of the ball as you bring it around, and patented audio alert tells you when to release.  No more embarrassing “howitzer” drops!

  • The Fungo Racket – Never miss a shot again with our patented oversize tennis racket with 90% more surface area!

There's gotta be a patent in there somewhere for me!

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ABC News and Disney doing their part to keep women down May 30, 2006

Posted by daveintexas in Politics.
1 comment so far

Feminists kick Elizabeth Vargas around for taking a dump in their lunchbox.

"It seems unlikely to me, having survived and thrived through her first pregnancy, that she would logically give up the top job in TV a few months out, anticipating she couldn't handle it," said Kim Gandy, president of the National Organization for Women. "It just doesn't strike me as a logical explanation"

I don't know Kim Gandy (and I don't want to), but I am curious to know whether she has two kids 4 years apart.

I sort of f'n' doubt it.

The next thing you know, anti-feminist ABC will be cancelling Commander in Chief, and claim lousy ratings as an excuse.

Oh hell, did I miss that?  Well, women and minorities, hardest hit.

"If she can't have it all," she said, "who among us could?"

Who indeed Kim?  Who indeed.

via NRO

The Memorial Day Wisdom of Greg Gutfeld’s niece Sarrah Jessika May 30, 2006

Posted by daveintexas in honor.
1 comment so far

I just can't say it any better than this.  We honor them. 

No blood for oil.  No bugs for flowers.

The Strangest Memorial Day email I Ever Received May 29, 2006

Posted by daveintexas in honor.
3 comments

Yeah, I know, it's not like that's a long list or anything.

I received this today from someone I do not know.  I've redacted things that might identify anyone:

Everyone please read: Today is Sunday 28 or 29 MAY 2006 depending what part of the world you’re at.  My best friend (redacted) is in trouble. He is currently in IRAQ due to come home in the middle of (redacted). He and his fiancé are in some serious trouble. (Redacted) had a really terrible day and said some really mean things to his girl, and now his girl is on the verge of dropping him.  All I ask is you reply to her email address (redacted) with the subject line of  "Take (redacted) back"  For everyone who doesn’t know him, he is a sweetheart, he is the kindest most caring guy you will ever meet. And for you guys out there he is one of those guys you just wanna look up to and follow regardless of who or what your rank is. He is a natural born leader with a voice that is strong and loud. I really hope this can sway her a little bit. I can’t stand seeing my buddy like this. That man loves his woman with all his heart and he feels like the worst person in the world and would do anything for her. Please let’s help him out.  

PLEASE DO THIS, Its 2 seconds to forward to this address. And you will possibly save a relationship that was destined to be.

———————————

I admire this soldier's desire to help out a friend, I really do.  And I have no doubt that they sincerely want to help, and care deeply about their buddy's situation. 

Also, I cannot imagine what a "terrible day" in Iraq could be, but I bet it could suck 100 times worse than a bad day for me.

It's just, this ain't gonna work.  That girl, whoever she is, does not want a thousand strangers to tell her how good her man is.  She wants him to love her. If she doesn't feel loved, she reacts in a way that hurts him, and things get nuts.  I pondered whether or not I should reply, and I sent this:

Dear (redacted),

I received your email today, and although we don't know each other, I have to say I am really impressed with your desire to help your buddy.  Whatever else he's dealing with right now, he is very fortunate to have someone who cares about him so much that you would make this plea on his behalf.

I hope you will encourage him to talk with his fiance, and try to find a way to express why he said what he did, and to find a way to get past it.  Right now she wants to feel his love, she needs it deeply.  When he says harsh things, it feels "unloving" to her, and she will react in a way that feels "disrespectful" to him.  As a man, he needs her respect like she needs his love.  And when you don't get what you need, you respond in a way that takes away what your partner needs most.  Things escalate.

Around here we say "things get crazy".

He sounds unhappy, which sounds to me like a man who is committed, and does deeply love her.  If he can get that across, it will energize her, she will devote herself to him, and in turn, he will to her.

You mentioned a "terrible day".  I can't imagine how bad a terrible day can be for our troops in Iraq, but I'll bet it can suck something awful.  I'm sorry for that.  I'll close by saying thank you, to you and your friend for your service to this country.  I am inspired by you and men and women like you who serve and dig in and do the hard job day in and day out, away from your families, your friends, people who love you. 

God bless you and keep you safe.

Dave

 

Stuff William Jefferson Said May 25, 2006

Posted by daveintexas in Current Events.
29 comments

You have to be careful with Skinbad and his "suggestions", or somebody's gonna be scratching somewhere inappropriately in a few days.

But I liked his suggestion on this.  So, I placed my order with Amazon.com on Saturday, and found it on the porch this evening. 

Stuff William Jefferson Said, 1st Edition.

Leatherbound, of course.

I skipped through it randomly, when this one caught my eye:

"I clearly said, no bills larger than 100s and the serial numbers need to be non-sequential. What are you, ignorant?” *

I know I'm going to be going through this for a while, but here are some other good ones.

I said get me a truck, and get me some Guardsmen, and get me the hell to my damn house, now.  I don't care who's stuck on they roof, dammit every sumbitch in this parish is stuck on they damn roof.  You see the damn helicopters?

That is not money.  That is frozen halibut.  They look like that when you freeze em, they fish dammit.  Big damn fish.

Step down off Ways and Means?  When the people of the state of Louisiana need me Wayin and Meanin the mostest right now?  We're in a recovery, and I intend to recover every single goddam dollar promised to the people of Louisiana.

I'll step down Mrs. Speaker Pelosi, when your cheeks relax and let your shoulders down.  Stop that grinnin woman.

That judge declared war on the Constitution of the United States when he signed that illegal search warrant, and I will not sit idly by while the Executive Branch of the government siezes power illegally and, stop reading that shit.  Stop it right the hell now!  Give me that!

What do you mean the truck is stuck?  Does it have side-armor?  Is it too damn heavy?  Get rid of that crap, we gots some haulin to do.

Well, I'm runnin out of time.  I'll just leave it here on the counter.  Anyone else want to take a look?

* skinbad looked that one up

New twist on eminent domain May 24, 2006

Posted by daveintexas in Bidness.
6 comments

Use it to seize land that belongs to Wal-Mart.

Typical Norton AP story… there's more info missing than is given in the article.  Still, it's interesting that the city council decided to use eminent domain rather than work their will through a planning and zoning commission.

Norton writes that Wal-Mart is accused of "scare tactics to force it's way into the neighborhood" without actually quoting any of the residents he says make this claim.  I don't doubt some residents made that claim, it would just be nice and all to say what they were if you're going to mention it at all.

Here's what I suspect Wal-Mart threatened them with:

1.  We're going to use our massive purchasing power, our ability to negotiate terms, and our unrivaled understanding of effective category management to bring the people of Hercules products they want at an unrivaled competitive price.

2.  We will employ our world-class logistics and distribution network to drive operating costs as low as they can possibly be pushed, and pass that benefit on to our customers and suppliers.

3.  We will provide our suppliers and vendors with technology and systems that are unmatched in the US retail industry, to help them manage their costs effectively, and pass that cost benefit to us so that we can pass it on to our customers.

4.  We will do this because we know what is best in life is to crush your enemies, to drive dem out before you and hear de lamentations of dey women.

Total Fraud May 23, 2006

Posted by daveintexas in Current Events.
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Jessie MacBeth 

Not a Ranger.

He does not strike me as a genius, but who am I to throw rocks?

But are the people who put him up to it that stupid?  Hell folks, we ain't ever going to have an "Unknown Soldier" to bury again…our forensics are just too damn good now.  We've got records and stuff.

Sheesh

UPDATE: No one will be surprised to learn he no record of service in the US Army at all.

via AoSHQ

Oh man, I did NOT see that coming!  It's gettin re-goddam-diculous!

Like this… May 22, 2006

Posted by daveintexas in Work and Life and Love.
9 comments

PDR_0004.JPG

PDR_0003.JPG

ATT00024.jpg

How'd that get in here?

Visual for Mrs. Peel May 22, 2006

Posted by daveintexas in uh.
9 comments

PDR_0083.JPG

The East Texas State ring.  Now Texas A&M Commerce since 1991.

Commerce Texas is the little town where they are.

Mullah Mullah Dadullah, Fee Fi Mofullah May 19, 2006

Posted by daveintexas in terrorist hemorrhoids.
3 comments

Afghan General: Top Taliban might be caught

U.S. has no information on report captured fighter could be Mullah Dadullah.

Well, I should hope they caught him.  How fast could he be, what with one leg and all?